Sunday, November 25, 2012

Anxious Thoughts

I am an anxious person by nature. I think about all possible scenarios in a certain circumstance and always believe the worst is going to happen. It is really hard for me to control. I let my mind wander way too much some days. 

Being pregnant just adds to those anxious tendencies. I have such a fear of miscarrying. Some days it can consume my thoughts and the craziest thing can bring those thoughts on. I had a great pregnancy with Mady but that does not guarantee that this one will be the same. I feel like I know so much more this time around and I long for the naive, 1st time mom thoughts. Sure, last time, I was just as nervous until I saw my little baby on that ultrasound machine. I remember not being able to hear her heartbeat because my own heartbeat was so loud in my ears. 

Tuesday at 1 pm cannot come soon enough. I am so anxious to see my baby. To see it growing. To see/hear its heart beating. 

But the thing is I have had no signs of possible miscarriage. No loss of pregnancy symptoms(more like the opposite), no bleeding, no cramping...nothing but still my mind plays game with itself. 

My greatest fear is that the ultrasound tech will measure the baby and it will be significantly behind or have no heart beat. Just being honest here. I have a hard time getting excited for this baby until I see that he or she is ok. That they are alive in there and growing.

My husband and mom probably want to kill me with the amount of time I talk about my fears because honestly it can get out of control. I need to trust that the Lord has a plan for this baby, whatever that may be. I pray for this baby daily that it is growing healthy and safe. It is all I can do besides take care of myself which I must admit is difficult this time around while chasing a very energetic 2 year old around.

So if you think of Matt and I on Tuesday, the 27th, specifically at 1 pm would you just say a quick prayer for us. For peace and that everything would be ok with the precious little one growing inside of me. 

I promise to report back after the ultrasound...whatever the outcome is.

Positive thoughts, Positive thoughts...

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