I have thought about whether or not I should write this post and put it out there for the world to see. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to share true, raw emotions. But, nevertheless here I am sharing my heart.
I have a huge fear.
Major, major, all consuming fear. Like, can't stop thinking about every situation or circumstance that might happen.
I am an introvert at heart. I love my family. Matt and my mom, I consider, my best friends. Obviously, I feel comfortable with them and share everything with them. They know and love me for me. They are my comfort.
But when it comes to meeting new people and having a connection or a friendship, I fear they will not like me for me or will judge me in some way.
Because let's be honest, moms and women are harsh. They really and truly are.
I have had a lot of disappointment and rejection lately. Well, really, since moving to a new state, and not know a single person besides my little family. I have put myself out there in many different areas, and have been rejected or let down more times than I can count.
It is hard and so discouraging. You start to wonder if it is you? Should I have said that? Maybe I should have worn jeans instead of yoga pants? Did I say thank you enough? Was my child polite to their children? It makes you become a crazy person.
So, a few weeks ago I signed up for a bible study at my church. It starts today, and I am scared. I know not one single person. Here, I am putting myself out there again and trusting and praying that the Lord will make me feel comfortable and help me overcome this fear I have.
Because, honestly, I have thought about not going. But then I think how much of a disappointment I would feel if I didn't. Plus, Mady LOVES going to "chirch" and I know she will have a fantastic time and she needs that time away from me, playing with other kiddos.
I hate this fear I have. I hate it so very much. I don't want to let it consume me anymore.
So, I am praying that today will go better than I think it will.