Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Stream of conscience

I have all these thoughts rolling around in my head this morning. I wish I could just have a few minutes to myself this morning but that's not on the agenda today since my lovely daughter thought 5:30 was a decent time to get up for the day. And once she is up, there is no time for quiet thoughts. 

The past 2 days I have just had a heavy heart. Not really been myself. I am not sure what it is. I've been sick with this stupid cold for over a week and have spent the majority of our time inside or playing on the deck. I get in these moods where all I want is to be in my little bubble. I don't feel like doing much or socializing or chatting. I just want to be with my little family doing our own thing but I know that is not reality. I need to snap out of it. Today we have bible study and community group and if I am being honest here, I don't want to go. I have too much on my mind. But, it's time to get out of this rut and go. 

This past year has been so difficult and honestly, I am ready to move onto better times. If you know me, you know I LOVE the holidays. Like, love, love, love. And this year....I just want them to be over. Sad. We aren't going home for Thanksgiving. One of our favorite holidays and traditions of looking through all the black friday ads with my family. Sitting at a big table surrounded by the people we love the most. It just makes me sad and also Matt and I always have gone Black Friday shopping but not this year because there is no one to watch Mady. That was one of our first traditions. And it makes me sad that we can't do that. And Christmas this year will be very different. I know presents don't make the holidays, and that's not what it is about but there will be very few presents this year. Mady is getting a kitchen and a few little things for Matt and I. Somedays I am totally ok with this and other days this world makes me feel like a horrible mom. I see and hear all these moms buying their child everything under the sun and some days I wish I could but I know she does not even know the difference. There will be no gifts for Matt and I for each other and I am ok with that. We used to go crazy and it got us into a lot of trouble. 

This holiday season is just going to be different, a different I am really not looking forward to but I need to change my attitude. I need to trust the Lord. I need to realize that it is not going to be like this forever. Still, I am struggling with it. 

I need to focus on the real reason for Thanksgiving which is being thankful for what we do have and the real reason for Christmas which is Jesus. But this stupid world makes it so difficult. We can get so caught up in the hustle and bustle. This year I am going to try really hard not to.

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