Tuesday, May 15, 2012


That is how I have been feeling lately. Just stuck. And there is nothing I can do about it. That hurts and drives me crazy.

I like to be able to fix things and when I cannot fix something or a certain circumstance I go crazy. I think about things I could maybe do to fix it and my mind goes crazy.

There are so many things I feel stuck in.

Like this apartment. It is horrible! For real. Matt and I found this place in the two days we had and honestly I wish we would have taken more time to find something better. Nothing gets fixed. Ever. Matt had to constantly call and go our to the leasing office to get our toilet (which was leaking and causing mold) to get fixed. Our downstairs sink does not drain. We have tried drano. No go. We have ants. Raid has seemed to get rid of them. I could go on and on. But I won't because I think you get the point. We could easy have a mortgage for what we pay for this dump.

We can't get out of our lease. Unless Matt goes on military orders (which is in the works). We would have to be here until Jan 13th. We can't take it anymore. Everyday there is a new headache. So for now, we are stuck.

Also, the car situation. I hate having one car. I hate it so much. Mady and I are literally stuck inside most days. We don't have a back yard and we live on a busy street with not much around to walk to.

Some days I go crazy. Literally. I try to find things to do with her to keep her occupied and not constantly watching George or Elmo all day. (Like my fabulous water bin!) I feel like a horrible mom because some days the TV is on all day long. We just don't have much room in this place or anywhere to go really. I have cried one too many times about this.

I feel like I lost a sense of independence when we got rid of my car. I can't go anywhere anytime I want to. I have to rely on other people for things. I miss being able to just go do whatever I needed to or wanted to because I had a car.

It is a humbly experience and I will never take for granted having two cars or one that actually is reliable. Oh because did I mention that our one car is in the shop again because that stupid check engine light came on? Oh yeah...

I worry. I worry that something is going to happen when I don't have a car. For example, yesterday we had to take Mady to the Dr because I thought she was having an allergic reaction to strawberries. It turns out she has a stomach bug and the diarrhea was just causing her little girl areas to get raw and inflamed. The poor girl was screaming and shaking any time I had to wipe that area. I was getting so nervous and worried that something else was going on so we called the Dr and he said he wanted to see her.  I am so thankful that Matt was home yesterday because otherwise I would be stuck with a child who was miserable because she was in pain and a mom who was worried it was something serious.

I know the Lord worked that all out but still...I worry.

I hate feeling stuck. Because I just want to fix it. I want things to get better. I want situations to change. I want to move back to NJ now and not wait. I want a car now and not wait. But that is not the way things work.

Many days I have to ask the Lord to just get me through this day because I cannot even begin to think about what tomorrow is going to bring.

I know He will get us "unstuck" when it is His timing. Sometimes I just wish I could have a face to face chat with the Lord.

It would definitely help right now.

1 comment:

  1. Ohh momma. You are singing my song. I feel the exact same way. The only difference is we have a second car.. but no money for us to actually do anything. We go to the park alot. But most days Im stuck inside the house too. I say house.. we have a tiny two bedroom townhouse that has all the problems of your apartment. We could be paying a mortgage too. We are in the same boat sistah! I keep saying 'I have faith.. its patience I lack.' All in His time!


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