Defeated

I've been going back and forth all day about whether or not I should write this post. Obviously I decided to write it. Yesterday was a bad day, a day where all I could feel was defeated. I honestly don't think I really have ever felt defeated before (at least not like I did yesterday).

It all started out normal, the normal everyday routine (or new routine I should say). Baby up at 6:45, breakfast, Sid the Science Kid, empty dishwasher, etc...

Then I jumped into the shower to get ready for the day and it hit me like a ton of bricks...anxiety. I have been getting it a lot lately but this time it took my breathe away. I finished my shower, and called Matt upstairs. It told him how I was feeling and he suggested I go lie down. I didn't think that would help since I would just be thinking about everything under the sun.

So I finished getting ready, packed the goob bag for mommy and me time at the mall, and off Mady and I went. Still, I couldn't shake this negative, sad, weird feeling.

Of course, during the ride to the mall, Sid the Science kid DVD ended and Mady wanted it played again. This is quite difficult to do while you are driving. So at a red light, I put the car in park, reached back, and pressed the wrong button but oh well the light was turning green and I needed to go. So I put the car in Reverse! Ah! I quickly realized what I did and moved it to drive. Thankfully, no accident but my nerves were so shaken.

Then I couldn't remember which way I turned to turn to get to the mall. Was it a right or a left? Don't you know I picked the wrong turn. This is typical Megan. I am horrible at directions nor do I have a sense of direction! So it is 9:50, and we are still 15 minutes away from the mall. The mommy and me time starts at 10. I HATE to be late. PLUS I still have to get the stroller out and all that good stuff.

Finally, we make it to the mall. I get Mady in the stroller and off we go. This was my first time going to this so I was unsure what to expect or where to go. I just followed all the moms with stroller. FOUND IT! It was a story and craft kind of deal plus I was supposed to meet up with other moms from this mom group I joined. GREAT! I tried hard to change my attitude when we go there and I did...at least for a few minutes.

They are handing out smocks to the kids so I take Mady out of the stroller. No good. She does not want to sit down or do anything besides go up to other kids, moms, stroller, and chat or play. That is all fine and dandy until the lady starts to read the story. My daughter is literally the only one not sitting with their mom listening to the story. Of course, she threw a temper tantrum and we had to leave. Embarrassed much? I walk a few feet away while my child is kicking and screaming and get her back into the stroller. After all it took just to get to the mall...now this.

Why won't she sit and listen? What have I done wrong? Why does she have so much energy all the time? Do we not get out enough and play? Why is my daughter the only one who won't sit with her mom?

Those are all the thoughts that are running through my head as well as...

When am I going to make friends? All those women seem to know each other. I feel like such an outcast. I am so lonely. I just want a friend who understands how it is being a mom to an almost 17 monther! (Yes that is a word for today...deal with it!)

The tears start to flow. I text Matt that we are coming home. He knows how much I am putting myself out there to meet people so he immediately calls me and asks what happen. I quickly tell him but I am not in the mood for talking much. I think I just wanted to talk to someone who I knew completely understood how I felt....my mom.

Yup, I am the women sitting on the bench, talking to her mom on the phone, crying.

She calms me down and I start to get my act back together.

We head for home.

When we get home, I tell everything to Matt as the tears just roll down my face. This poor man has dealt with my tears with such grace and understanding. (I am a super emotional person!)

I feel defeated. As a mom. As a friend. As a wife. 

I know the days will get better. I know I will make friends. I know Mady will sit and listen to a story hour/craft deal at some point. I know all these things but right now it does not help.

There is so much more going on in my head but I think I am drained and I would just ramble on anyway. Sorry this post is kind of depressing but honestly it exactly how I am feeling.